i think that sums up how i feel about this. this tragedy. i share my life, and then abandon my vent. it's been a turn for the worse. i've never realized how much this journal helps. but no, i shouldn't say it like that. im not leaving this. i can't let it die. this is my malnutritioned baby to which i give life. you can't kill a computer child.

[a storm rages, shot of me, wet and cold] how can this be? this is my future? my "job?" i hate this. the stress is like an insect biting the inside of my earlobe. my hand's a gun, waiting to brush the fly away. [shot of me, shooting me] the insect is fat on my blood. [shot of last seconds of the sunset] the last seconds of my life. [a feeling of retribution] the sunset is my obligation.

i'm going to leave soon. i'm never coming back, either. hopefully the band im currently a part of will succeed and i will never have to see the city of fresno (the city of hate) again. actually, band or no band, i will not be a part of this atmosphere. it doesn't suit me. call it a disorder if you like, but i can't stand the idea of attending college. i really feel like it's not for me. this will be a groundbreaking disappointment for all who know me, but that's just too bad. maybe something will change in me.